Mixed Emotions

Having a bad habit sucks, especially when it's noticeable. People are constantly telling you to stop and you feel like you'll never be able to.

Finding out that your bad habit is actually an obsessive-compulsive related disorder is worse. The word disorder is scary. It makes you feel like you're broken there is nothing that can fix you.

This happened to me. Recently. As in like yesterday. I'm not quite ready to share the details of my story. It's embarrassing and I'm too self-conscious about it. I hope that one day this will change. Baby steps.

But I can say this. It's a relief. Knowing that I'm not just terrible at quitting a bad habit, knowing that there are other people with the same problem as me, accepting who I am and what this is. It's all a relief.

It means I'm not alone. And even though I know this problem will never go away, it means that I can try. I can improve and live a healthy life without freaking out every time I go back to my old ways.

I think I'll be okay. I can handle this :)

It has been a truly tragic week. Two of my fellow colonials, Ben and Lynley, passed away this week. I did not know either of them, but it does not matter. I know that they are missed. 

In addition to that, Reagan Hartley, who graduated from high school a few years before me, was killed in a car accident last night. I did not know Reagan well, but I know that she was a great person with a great sense of humor. 

Rest in peace Reagan, Ben, and Lynley. 

Too many people say that we can choose who stays and goes in our lives. I will never believe that. We don't choose who we meet and don't meet. And we don't always get to choose who stays and leaves. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes it isn't. I'm still struggling to find out which are the good situations and which are the bad...

The Future.

I don't want this to sound like an angry venting post, because it isn't. Keep that in mind when reading this. 

I wish people would stop telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing at this age. "You're too young to be thinking about [insert a topic here]." Every person is different. I might be young, but I'm still an adult. I'm old enough to be making my own decisions. People are always telling me that and then following it with their own bit of advice. It really throws me off. I spend so much of my life trying to please other people, and though I'm trying to get better about that, it is how I am. I'm always worried about disappointing my friends, my parents, even my high school teachers. It's a problem. 

What's wrong with having a five year plan? What's wrong with thinking about my future? Isn't it a good thing that I'm thinking ahead? These questions are constantly going through my head. 

Yes. I'm only twenty years old. Yes. I'm only a sophomore in college. BUT I don't want to end up without a plan. 

There is nothing wrong with thinking about grad school or where I want to end up living after college. There is nothing wrong with thinking about marriage and having a family. I'm not planning on doing it tomorrow. Or anytime soon really. But it is going to happen eventually. I'm sick of people treating discussion of the future like it's a jinx. I'm going to do what I think is right for me. 

I'm not sure if I'm writing this to vent, or to convince myself that I don't have to please everyone, but either way, I think it needed to be said. 

That is all.

There's No Place Like My Other Home

I know I never finished my "Days of Thankfulness" posts, but who really finishes those? I guess you can just consider this another thing I am thankful for.

I was home for a month over winter break in December/January. I spent a lot of time at my mom's house, which was fantastic. I had a great time with my mom and my siblings. Christmas was fantastic. Here's the thing though, I have a great home. I always have. That really doesn't surprise very many people. Sure there are times where I wish I was somewhere else, but that's what it means to spend time with your family. You love them most of the time, but sometimes you hate them.

My point is: my home is great, but the last few years, I've slowly found that I have something that I never really expected to have. Another home.

I spent the last two weeks at Nick's house in North Carolina. It was amazing. I guess I've been around so much that I am practically considered family. That is such an honor. My own family HAS to accept me, but to be accepted into a family that I initially had no ties to... It's great. It means that I always have a place to go. Two homes. Two families. I feel like I'm a part of something. And every time I go back something has changed. His sister is 7 now, and she actually hugs me when I leave and gets excited to play with me instead of being bashful. His brother and I have some intense conversations. He's graduating this year, and it's kind of crazy. I knew him before he was a freshman. It's crazy to watch everyone grow up and see the changes that happen over time.

Sorry for rambling, but I just needed the one or two people that still read this to know that I am incredibly grateful for everything that Nick and his family have done for me. They really are an amazing group of people.

Thankfulness: Days 13-16

Day 13:
I am thankful for my amazing friends. They threw me an a great party for my Birthday and I had a ton of fun.

Day 14:
More specifically, I am thankful for my two best friends here. Number one is Laura. She is so down to earth and is always willing to listen. Even though my room is always messy and she doesn't always agree with my decisions, she is always willing to listen and support me

Day 15:
Number two is Kellie. She's my very best friend. Sometimes she drives me crazy (as best friends often do), but she is always there for me and puts up with my shenanigans. Also she's a fabulous roommate and cuddler.

Day 16:
I am thankful for my little sister, Tessa. We fought like crazy when we were younger, but we get along really well now. She has grown up and matured so much in the last few years, and I am incredibly proud of her.

Thankfulness: Day 12

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! And I'm no longer a teenager. I don't really know how I feel about it yet. "I'm twenty" rolls off the tongue in a strange way. It doesn't feel right. It kind of feels like a lie, because I don't feel like twenty. I don't know what twenty feels like, but I know I don't feel like it. Let's be real, I have a Tangled poster on my wall and my Disney playlist is the most played thing on my ipod. There are days I feel like I'm 5, days I feel like 16, and days I feel like I'm 30. But 20?!?! That will take some getting used to.

ANYWAYS.
 Today. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the chance to wake up to a new morning (or afternoon) every day. I am thankful for the last twenty years of my life. For the accomplishments and failures. The obstacles I have overcome. I am grateful for it all.

It's been a good day so far, so I am going to try to enjoy the rest of it. It feels good to be a little bit older. Weird, but good.

Whenever people tell me "it doesn't feel any different" I never believe them. Maybe it's just me, but when I wake up on my Birthday, I feel a little bit older. I know I'm only a day older than I was yesterday, but still. Birthdays feel different to me. It's a good kind of different though, and I'm going to try to enjoy it.